Renewal
Tuesday June 6, 2006 9:00 PM Seattle, WA

As I look back and see that it's been over a year since my last post, I'm somewhat embarrassed. It's not like I think anyone's really here reading me, but I went through the effort to put this together, so I should at least keep up with it.

One year - wow. In some ways, it's been monumental, in others, it's been just another 365 days. After leaving Hong Kong last May, I was put on a project in Detroit, Michigan. The project itself wasn't anything earth shattering for me, and really now that it's over, I can't say that it enriched me professionally at all. Personally it was a watershed period for me. My expectations of my job and my company changed significantly, and the time I spent in Detroit will have a significant impact on the next few months, and ultimately the next years, of my career.

In Detroit I met some amazing people, and if any of them make it here, they'll know who they are. They have made and will continue to make a tremendous impact on my life.

The last few months job-wise have been sluggish, but also will ultimately shape the direction of my life for the next few decades. Unless things change significantly, I'm coming to a T-intersection... I could go left or right, but there's no going straight forward.

This year for the Wendy Larks Foundation has been one of ups and downs. The concert that we put on last year was not successful. The artists that performed for us were amazing, and I feel privileged to have met them. I would work with them again in a heartbeat if not for all the agent crap that gets in the way. But ultimately, we could not get people excited about attending the event, and the concert was not attended as we would have wished. I look back on it as a personal failure.

In contrast, this year the Celebration of Life was an unconditional success. There were a few more growing pains, but I learned from them, and they'll make our event next year that much more successful. Our attendance and our fundraising were record-breaking. As an added bonus, we received a donation from a group in Detroit that is associated with one of the amazing people I mentioned above. If I get their approval, they'll be recognized on the Foundation website as is appropriate. If not, then this short blurb will have to serve as my expression of unbounded appreciation and amazement at the generosity shown to us by a group of people that know us only by the word of mouth recommendation of one of their members. I don't know how much their donation to us stretched or taxed their organization, I can simply say that even after reading this, they will not know how much it has meant to the future of The Wendy Larks Foundation. Their generosity continued and enhanced my renewal which has been growing over the past few months, and in some very non-monetary ways, may have saved the Foundation.

I guess the theme of this post is renewal. Of course not every one of my posts will have a theme, but this post certainly has grown into a theme. When I started writing, there was no theme in mind, but it shouldn't surprise me that this post has wandered to this point.

Last weekend was the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, which I crewed along with my family. My sister and I once again co-captained Rest Stop 1. This was to have been my last AWBC. I just finished writing a letter to the other captains which I don't think I could paraphrase with justice. It should come as no surprise that its subject was "Renewal":

"Hi fellow leaders,

I've seen a few email messages regarding this just past weekend, and I have to add my voice and echo some sentiments. I had to hop an early flight to Seattle this morning to rejoin the life-flow, and boy was it difficult to be outside of the cocoon.

On event, regardless of how much I "externalness" I display, I get very wrapped up internally, and I often don't let those who touch me know that they have affected me. I want to say thank you, here in public and later in person, for the support and encouragement that I received this past weekend. It's easy to get bogged down in minutiae, and forget what's really important.

Different from some, before this event started I definitely was NOT going to re-up and return to the AWBC next year. I was disillusioned, disappointed, tired and fed up. I had decided that I was going to focus my energy on the foundation that we've setup to honor Wendy, and on the 3-Day walk. I don't want to make this message a downer by rehashing my issues. If you care, I'll share, just not here.

What I'm writing here to say is that this past weekend reminded me in many different ways why I participate in the walk events, and plain and simple it's to get rid of breast cancer. The problems that I've had and seen with walker attitudes in the past - let them treat us poorly (although I will say this year was much better than last). The attitude adjustments needed by some of our leads and general crew members - frankly that's just not my problem anymore.

This past weekend, I was reminded of a pledge that I made about 5 years ago... if I can help just one person, if I can save just one person, if I can make life better for just one person, then the work that I am doing has value. It's the uncompleted tag line that I use at the end of each of my email messages and was written regarding Wendy's foundation, but it applies to all of the efforts that I put into breast cancer causes... "Help me change our world... one life at a time." I wish I could earn a living doing this work, because I would make it my full time commitment.

One person at a time I was reminded of that this past weekend.

From Friday night at registration when a man started crying simply from hearing the words "my late fiancée" in response to "Why are you here?".

On Saturday night when someone, unfortunately many someones, received a transport from Susan and I to the medical tent effectively ending their walking weekend.

On Sunday, when more than a few of those people spotted my duck hat and stopped me to say thank you for helping them when their spirits were at their lowest.

On Saturday morning when I was leading the "Alternate Opening Ceremony" that has become a tradition at Rest Stop 1, wondering if it made sense to keep putting in the effort to do that ceremony, and receiving an emotional response to what I had considered to be my simple words, and being reminded that what to me had started to become routine, was to some their first exposure to a man being emotional and honest and open about the loss of a loved one, and was worth so much more than the short time it took me to put my words to paper.

On Sunday, hearing some of my team members, upon learning that I was considering not returning to AWBC, trying to devise ways to convince me that this was still a worthwhile weekend to support, so that they could share the weekend with me again next year.

On Sunday after closing ceremony, hearing a breast cancer survivor that knew Wendy cry to me that there were times she felt guilty that she had survived and Wendy had not.

On Monday morning, sitting at O'Hare, watching the people walk by, and remembering that more than a few of them have breast cancer and don't even know it.

I've signed up for next year, and if they want me, I'll lead again. Stopping breast cancer is too important to let the little things slow me down."

If you've never been on a walk event, I strongly encourage you to participate in one. There is a fundraising commitment if you want to walk; there is fundraising encouragement if you crew. I cannot describe here what it is like to be on event - I have had hours long conversations about just that. Suffice it to say that the event is life-altering. I won't encourage you to do either the 2-day or the 3-day - they each appeal to different people, but they both raise tremendous amounts of money for breast cancer.

A few months after Wendy died, I attended services at the Temple where my childhood friend is Rabbi. They sing a prayer in the Debbie Friedman style, the Misheberach. It's a prayer about healing, the renewal of the body and the spirit. When I heard it then I remember crying, feeling the personal pull it had on me, calling to me to begin my healing. The Misheberach is one of those prayers that comes through my mind frequently, one that I find myself humming at what seem odd moments. The full prayer is longer, and different than the Friedman version, but the Friedman version - the Cliff notes version - is what I remember. And I bring it up now since I still find myself in a period of renewal, but one far different than the one I was in 5 years ago.

Five years ago, I knew unconditionally that Wendy would have wanted me to mourn her, then get on with my life and do all of the things in her memory that she wanted to do with me. She told me so. It’s taken me five years of “one step forward, two steps back” to accept on the emotional side of my gray matter that I need to be doing just that. Is it the fact that I’m coming up on 40? Maybe. OK – probably. It’s also the realization that by not moving on, in many ways I’m disrespecting all that I promised to her. A tag line from “Sex In The City” comes to mind: “Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back… Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.”

Does that mean leaving everything behind? I don’t think so, but I have to accept that in some ways the answer is yes. I cannot become who I am to be if I hold too tightly onto who I was. I am no longer Wendy’s betrothed. She will always have a place as the first person that I wanted to spend my life with, but my life is now meant to be spent in other ways. I'm not sure where I'll find myself 365 days from now, but I find myself finally ready. Ready for... ? Life. Renewal. And as much as it hurts to even force my fingers to type the words, moving on.
- posted by LyleDeck @ 9:30 PM