Another page turns
Monday June 12, 2006 9:45 PM San Francisco, CA

Next week I get to experience vicariously the passage from the 30's to the 40's. A person that grazed my life a few years ago is turning 40 next week, and I'm fortunate to be working in the same city where the celebration will take place. It's bittersweet for me... many of my historical friends have already celebrated 40, but I have not been part of most of those celebrations. And in a few months, when my 40 comes, chances are it will not be marked by a grand gala, because I have not surrounded myself with enough people to allow that to occur.

This soon to be 40 person is someone that is part of my life because of Wendy, and the reality is that last week was only the second time I've seen her face to face. Yet the affinity that I feel towards her is greater than people I considered my closest friends just a short time ago. As I'm approaching my 40, I find that the number of my 'old' friends that understand and accept the person I've become has shrunk considerably.

Maybe that's not fair, because the reality is that it's been me that's pushed many of them away. Some have been intentional, some have been accidental, all have been painful. As I've changed in the years since Wendy died, I've become less tolerant of aquaintences, and more demanding of friends. I'm difficult, but I don't think I'm a difficult friend - I don't have kids, but I understand the time pressure of kids and family on adult friendships. Most of my friends are parents. I understand that as parents, my friends won't have the same time for me that they did before kids, even as they did before getting married. But these special people understand me, understand that I'm still rebuilding my framing, and that I'm still working on building the new bridges of our friendships.

As I'm looking forward at 40, I can't help but look back, and feel sorrow at my shrinking group of companions. As I've moved from one phase of my life to another, there has come an inevitable adjustment of the people that surround me, and that adjustment has usually been in the shrinking direction. As I look forward at the upheaval that is surely in front of me, I commit to myself that it's time to stop chopping down the trees. My forest needs a few more acres.
- posted by LyleDeck @ 11:35 PM